I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
