i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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