Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize