I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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