I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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