I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Randomize
