The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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