She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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