I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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