You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize