Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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