you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
