Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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