dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
