What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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