Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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