tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
