i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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