I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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