Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
