Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
