Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
