She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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