I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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