You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
