found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
