dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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