Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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