if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
