she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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