Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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