Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize