I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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