she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
