can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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