ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
