i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
