I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
