Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
