if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
so much tequila, so little girl.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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