C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Randomize
