Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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