If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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