I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
