I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
