maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
