I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
