Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
