I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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