I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
