will power is for people who don't want to get laid
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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