This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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