Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
