you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
