i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
