watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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