There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
