he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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