K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
