i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
