Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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