a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
