The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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