Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
