im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
