She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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