After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
