in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Boobs speak an international language.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
