the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
